My Life As A Bug

Ugh...that's all I can I say.
It's exactly the way I feel about everything right now. I feel like giving up. I thought this medicine was supposed to help me. It's gotten rid of my panic attacks, but now I feel so worthless. I don't want to do anything.

I hate feeling this way. I know in my head it's not right, but physically I can't get over it. I feel so lazy. I have no motivation anymore. What the hell is wrong with me??!? Maybe it's the meds, maybe it's not. All I know is I can't stand feeling this way.

Some days are worse than others too. I have to conscienciously force myself to get up off the couch to do simple household chores. But then other days I can get up and get moving right away. I feel like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster right now. Albeit, it's not as weepy as it once was. I can't seem to cry anymore. It's like the meds have taken away tears forever. Is that supposed to happen?

The doc wants me to see a therapist. I know I need to go but I can't get motivated enough to call and check to even see if insurance will cover it. If they don't I'm screwed. I can't afford anything anymore. I think that's part of my problem too. Money and the lack thereof.

I feel like I'm just barely hanging on. Todd does a lot of the motherly stuff around the house now-a-days. He goes grocery shopping for me, takes care of getting the necessities we need like toothpaste and toilet paper...all the while I'm barely functionable. I feel like a drooling blob.

And blob is the most accurate word I could think of to describe myself right now. I've gotten so fat, that I don't even want to go out anymore. I'm so embarrassed. I feel even worse now considering I lost 75 lbs right before I got pregnant. I gained it all back and then some. Big nasty blow to my confidence.

I know if I could get out and get a job, I would feel a little less worthless and maybe it would inspire me to lose some weight.

I feel like the bug trapped in a jar...I can see the way out, but I can't climb to the top...it's just too slippery. I can get started but can only get so far before I slide back down to the bottom of my jar. Desperately trying over and over again until I can't try anymore.

All I ask is for someone to lay my jar on it's side so I can crawl out! Or at the very least...poke air holes in the lid!